Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The view from here

Being newly redundant, I've spent several days now puzzling over What To Do.

What with the worry about feeding and clothing myself and my associated loved ones, not to mention keeping myself in the confectionery style I have grown accustomed, I thought perhaps my kettle-ship was doomed, that I might *sob* never laugh again.

To remedy this situation I read the whole newspaper on the weekend thinking that surely I'd come across some silly buggers doing stupid things with bungy cords and elephants, but, cover to cover, I only laughed once. Once! And that was over this quote by someone called Vickers in an article about Prince William: "Extraordinary presence, tall and upright; if you put the requirements of a future king into a computer, that's what you'd hope to come up with." That sure beats the current method for selecting a monarch.

Anyhoo, so I decided that if anyone/thing had an answer for What To Do it would be The School of Life, and what ho did I find but this post on The School of Life's Alternative Job Centre.

Forget the whole employers-advertising-positions caper (that's so 2008), the Alternative Job Centre invites you to write an ad for the job of your dreams and let employers decide if they are able to offer it to you.

So here goes:

Hi, my name is Kettle and I am the kind of person who understands that money can be exchanged for goods and services. I care deeply about books and tea, which is possibly why I have so little money to exchange for goods and services.

My best personal qualities are that I know when to plunge the coffee and I always carry an umbrella. My special talent is that I can tell you, with a moment's notice, the percentage of books on my bookshelves I've read. I value libraries with ladders with wheels on them, and my ambition is to have such a library one day (or at least one of those ladders).

My special wish is to have a job where I can sit in this chair:

Please direct all offers of such work to this website.

Yours, etc,

What is your dream job for the Alternative Job Centre?


the projectivist said...

what can you say about the quote from that silly Vickers person? goodness knows what might have happened had William shown a slight curvature of the spine?

whenever i see pictures of William (which isn't often, as i don't read Women's Weekly unless i happen to spy it on the table over at my mum's) all i can think is - how unfortunate that you happened to inherit your father's male pattern baldness gene. so young and yet losing his hair. really i think he should just cut it VERY short, but he will insist on growing it in that fluffy style which he thinks completely hides his hairloss. what is up with men who think that?

anyway, sorry to go on.

i like your chair, Mme Kettle and i also like the sounds of that job you outlined. i'm going to have to have a think about mine. but it probably mostly involves reclining on a sofa and the reading of glossy interiors magazines whilst eating dark chocolate.

Kettle said...

Oh I agree about William, dear Project! In the space of a few short years he's gone from full-blooded hair hotness to fluffy boffin. If only he had much less money I'd almost feel sorry for him ;)

You know, I think we're looking for a job in the same company. Perhaps we could share an office, with your couch over by the nice French window and my chair near the pot plants.

Let me know if you know someone who knows someone who can help with our plight.

Mad Cat Lady said...

i've always preferred harry - william looks too drippy - awesome chair - i dont' have any proper chairs - i only have a couple of directors chairs - i used to have a single bed in my loungeroom to watch telly from, but i moved it when I got the computer

squib said...

Hi - my name is Squib and I would make a perfect monarch. I am willing to perform all those pesky monarchal duties like sitting on a gold throne and wearing heavy jewellery and a crown (or several crowns)

While I'm eager to please the plebs in my capacity as Queen of Everything, I am not willing to listen to long winded speeches and weird traditional singing in some far flung hot and disagreeable place. I would prefer a royal box at a rock concert

I think I would look fetching on a postage stamp

Yours Sincerely


Kettle said...

Maddy I think a bed in your loungeroom is an excellent idea. I might do that. I've always wanted one of those mechanical/electronic Dawson chairs where you press a button and the chair literally stands you up; now that's my kind of comfortable.

Ha ha Squib!

Hey I wonder if the queen has a superannuation account?

Kettle said...

PS Squib, I think an iced vo vo would make an awesome stamp.

PPS, hurrah you're still commenting! Your blog was the first one I found when I started nattering on here and I'll miss your posty marvellousness.