I've just returned from a couple of days in Melbourne and am happy to report that Melbourne is a way much betterer city than Sydney. Here's why:
1. In Sydney I see at least four people a day picking their noses in their cars. Far as I know car windows are still transparent, people.
In contrast, I didn't see a single person picking his or her nose in Melbourne (not even at the conference I was at; not a one).
2. In Sydney I get caught in traffic jams all the time; in Melbourne, not once (sure I didn't have a car in Melbourne, and sure I walked most places, but I didn't hear anyone complaining about traffic jams on the 112 to Gertrude Street last night).
[2.1. In Melbourne they have a street called Gertrude Street. Awes.]
3. In Sydney people are still wearing short-shorts even though summer is well over. In Melbourne they spit on short-shorts.
4. In Sydney they have signs like this on escalators in Westfields:
In Melbourne they don't have Crocs (I'm not even sure they have Westfields?).
The only things Melbourne doesn't have are: Mr Kettle, my son, my dear friends, my lovely family, Campos Coffee, my PO Box, my favourite bookstore in Newtown, my awesome babysitting-swapping neighbours, our swimming teacher, our long established gainful employment, and my dear, irreplaceable pal Meredith. All I need to do is convince them all to move south; shouldn't be too hard, eh?