Monday, November 23, 2009

"Dear [Complete Stranger], let me tell you all about me..."

Have you ever, inexplicably and uncharacteristically, loathed someone or something? I have, right now in fact; this very minute I am loathing someone for the something that they do. This person and this thing make me so mad I want to hurl mud pies at some Coalition backbencher. No wait, that's a pretty normal day. Let me try again:

This person and this thing make me so mad I want to dash off a whimsical limerick damning her and the thing she does.

[Wow, that was completely lame but I'm really not a violent person and the thought of doing things to eyeballs (say) with sand and such kind of grosses me out, so unfortunately a limerick is as nasty as I get. This is disappointing on many, many levels.]

So what has this fiendish person done to warrant my (very gentle and quite well-meaning) wrath? Why she sends out a little email newsletter, advertising herself and CRAPPING ON.

Crapping on isn't bad in itself, it's just you can crap on about vaguely interesting things or you can crap on about totally dumb things, and she craps on about totally dumb things.

So far, through her email newsletters, I've learned what she's serving at her Christmas party, that I can follow her on Facebook (yay), and what her cat thinks about, you know, stuff.

AND she invites people to write in and answer questions etc but then never writes back. Not so much as a blank reply.

AND her silly email template only puts my surname in the greeting, so it always starts along the lines of "Hey [SMITH (say)]," which makes me feel like we're totally best friends... not.

I bet you're thinking, "Jeez, unsubscribe and get over it, you crazy nutbar," but the truth is I wouldn't fully appreciate how good some stuff is on the net if I didn't have her newsletter reminding me how totally shit it can be. So, loathsome chick with your loathsome newsletter, I salute you.


Mad Cat Lady said...

pfft - cats would soo totally not tell you what they really thought. If cats could talk they would lie.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

So, Cde Kettle.

Does this mean "Dangerous" is your middle name?

because that would be sort of cool.

Kettle said...

MCL I've never lived with a cat but I saw the musical 'Cats' many times (as a kid and young(ish) adult) and if real cats are anything like those Jellicles they're alright by me.

And I like the idea of a cat telling bald-faced lies to my loathsome nemesis.

And Ramon, unfortunately my middle name is more monosyllabic (in fact, entirely monosyllabic), but you've given me an idea to fix that. You're most welcome to address my Christmas card to Ms T.D. Kettle; many thanks indeed!

Crystal said...

That reminds me we need to be prepared for the arrival soon, very soon, of those long, detailed Christmas newsletters from friends who think we need to know the doings of every single member of their family, including pets.

Kettle said...

Yes, yes exactly, Crystal! I think our real friends already know the intimate details of our lives (because they were right there with us when we drank that one bottle of wine too much). Let us call these long-letter-wielding people 'friends' and share their letters with our real friends with a laugh and another bottle of red.

squib said...


Our dog has just finished writing our annual Christmas letter and now he's not sending you one

My middle name is also monosyllabic. Wouldn't it be super cool if we had the same middle name?

Kettle said...

No no, Squib, I don't think all animals are terrible writers; just the loathsome email newsletter chick's writing animal. I imagine the Squib Family dog's writing would be similar in style and tone to Woolf's 'Flush' (with an equally elegant understanding of punctuation). I would be honoured to receive a missive, Christmas or otherwise, from such a writer.

My monosyllabic middle moniker starts with a 'g'. Yours too?

squib said...

my middle name is Jo

it's like my parents just ran out of letters or impetus when they had to come up with a second name

Kettle said...

Yeah but Squib your first name is up there on the cool stakes so I reckon it's ok your parents wandered off for fresh pina colados half way through coming up with a second one.

squib said...


That's the only one I can think of

Kettle said...

Oops sorry I forgot to say: it's Gai. Even though it has all its letters I hope my parents wandered off to get pina coladas anyway, at least to celebrate that they weren't still stuck in the Registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages writing out 'Anastasia' or 'Gabrielle' like chumps. I bet they high-fived your parents on the way into the bar.

squib said...

With your middle name and my first, I'd say our parents were definitely a bit pickled

the projectivist said...

my middle name is Jane.
really you can't get plainer than that, but i'd take it over the name they DID give me any day.

i go through regular phases of seriously thinking of changing my first name. it surely wouldn't damage my children as much as the other stuff i do? what with them calling me 'mum' and all.

Kettle said...

Ah Ms P, 'Jane' is a great middle name, it goes with everything. Maybe you could hyphenate your first and middle names? Would that make your first name better? So like 'Delila-Jane' (say) or 'Margaret-Jane'; see there's no first name that isn't improved with a hyphen and a 'Jane', eh.

If that doesn't sound appealing, I reckon changing it altogether is a great idea, then you'll be able to fill out forms as Ms '[New Name]' Projectivist, a.k.a. Ms '[Old Name-Jane] Projectivist. I'm all for a.k.a. That would make you even cooler.