Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Watery charms

My son and I spend a lot of time at the pool. What's not to love about the pool? There's all sorts of water-based play equipment, from slides to fountains to wave machines, the change rooms are plentiful, and the kiosk serves the best hot chips with sauce ever (perfect when you're tired and pruney).

Happy, happy pool days.

Well, mostly happy pool days. Sometimes, like today, the pool planets fall out of alignment and deliver us nothing but floating bandaids and hairy-man-backs, leaving us with a very unhappy happy pool day.

So what was there not to love about the pool today? Here's the list:

1. Aqua nappies. A perennial complaint. There's no leakage barrier I really, really trust.

2. The mothers who were milling around in the wading pool wearing their waist-length designer caftans and ignoring their children except to screech the occasional "For God's sake don't splash me! I don't want to get wet!"

Go back to your mansions, ladies, and spare us all.

3. When the lifeguards turned off the jets in the wave pool when we were half way around the circuit. It felt like what I imagine it must feel like to lose an erection: one moment everything's rocking along, then pfzz, nothing.

On the plus side, the chips were still good and the sauce divine; and who knows, the Caftans might be back at the factory having their touch-ups during our next visit. We can only hope.

21 comments:

Mad Cat Lady said...

I remember as a child going to a pool with my family. We lived on a farm so had to travel a ways to get to one. I had swimming goggles. I was telling my parents about this man I'd glimpsed who seemed to have some kind of sock which he unrolled from his shorts.

Of course I know what that was now and understand why we never seemed to get taken swimming anymore.

squib said...

The pool is hell to me. The noise! Also, the kids doing dangerous backflips when the lifeguards have turned their backs. I age every time I see that

Then there are the pollywaffles...

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

It felt like what I imagine it must feel like to lose an erection: one moment everything's rocking along, then pfzz, nothing.

Say what, Kettle!

Kettle said...

Oh no, MCL! And you had goggles on! There are some things you just don't want to see clearly underwater. Deary me.

Squib do you mean there's a dangerous backflip-type move called a 'pollywaffle' that you can't bear to see or are you referring to the delicious chocolate and wafer snack, the 'Pollywaffle', available from good kiosks everywhere?

Ramon, I thought about it then I thought about it some more and decided that's what it felt like, so I imagine.

Mad Cat Lady said...

or is pollywaffle colloquialism for pooping in the water?

Kettle said...

Oh God, MCL! That's even worse!

I want to be able to still smell the chlorine on my skin 48 hours after leaving the pool; then I can relax about the effectiveness of the aqua nappy leakage barriers.

Catastrophe Waitress said...

Oh gosh. The Pool.
It always takes me back to the days of the school swimming carnival. I hated those swimming carnivals. Luckily I mastered my mother's signature quite early on.


Sniggering at the jets/erection analogy! Appearing in one of those erectile dysfunction commercials soon, I'm sure.

tagskie said...

Nice blog you got here... Just droppin' by to say hi! http://www.arts-and-entertainment.info

Kettle said...

The swimming carnival is just hideous, isn't it Ms Waitress? There's only ever one, maybe two, kids in any school who enjoy it. Damn kids; ruining the dignity of the rest of us.

In terms of things that do function well, are you going to see the new 'Iron Man' film?

squib said...

I am talking about poops, of course

Kettle said...

Squib you are right to avoid the pool if you've encountered a floating pollywaffle. Heavens! I think the best solution would be government subsidised lap pools in each domestic residence. Then at least you'll know whose pollywaffles they are.

Catastrophe Waitress said...

Hmmmm...
I think I shall have to wait for dvd. I can't make myself get excited about that film, I don't like that blonde bint that's in it. You know the one? Whatserface with the troweled on lipstick. Not the one with the child named after a fruit, no - the other one. Perhaps she has red hair? I'm confused now.

That's why I'm waiting for dvd. I'm less likely to injure myself that way.

squib said...

Kettle, are you suggesting it's ok to swim with poop if it belongs to family?

Kettle said...

Good question, Squib. I hadn't thought about it that way, but on reflection, no, it's not ok to swim with your family's pollywaffles. I'm starting to think you're right, pools really should be avoided. I'm ageing just thinking about these horrors.

And Ms Waitress, but but but what about Mr Downey (Jr)?

Catastrophe Waitress said...

I know, I know! The DJR IS in it, but I just don't like that girl. What else was she in? I'm having a mind blank and I'm on my phone at the cafe so I can't google. Well I could, but I'm lazy. Bone idle. And there's a quite nice chap eating something at a table near me. KFC it looks like, but we won't hold that against him. I had toasted chicken, brie and rocket. We're not meant to be, are we? Lunchily challenged.

Kettle said...

Do you mean Scarlett Johansson, Ms W? Or Gwynny?

What a shame about the KFC; it does ruin a nice looking bloke, doesn't it? Best to know these things up-front though, isn't it; I think that fella is a bullet dodged.

And bone idle! You're my new hero.

joven said...

hi, you have nice blog.. u can view also mine..http://akoniwares.blogspot.com

squib said...

Is everything OK in Kettleland?

Kettle said...

Hi Squib! All good, really good, just quite busy at the moment (I'm running an event for my little biz next week and have been doing some freelance stuff too. I thought perhaps wasting less time sleeping might be the answer but apparently that just makes me tired and grumpy and completely useless - whoops).

(AND! My lord, I've given up my eventide wine...)

Also, I've been trying to speed-read Carey's last novel, with limited success. Any tips on how you got through 'The Count' quickly?

squib said...

My tip is: read long and fast

I'm reading 'The Plague' at the moment and it's dragging a bit. I'm cheering on the plague, come on, get on with it, kill everyone so I can start a new book

Kettle said...

Squib that's gold; laugh of the day.