Saturday, May 15, 2010

Very Important World Event

I've been meaning to write something about the UK election but something much more important has happened: we've bought a new fish.

While fish and politicians share many characteristics (they're both slimy, for example), fish are better at forming coherent arguments and are infinitely more endearing than your average Tory backbencher.

But while we have a name for the UK's new prime minister, we don't yet have a name for our new fish. Will you help?

Here's some footage to get your creative wires humming (please note: the new fish is the one that doesn't look like Count Vronsky or Karl Marx, which are the other two fish):

Sorry, I should have warned you about the clarinet. There's nothing like a small range of sample music in a video editing program to help you torture people in cruel and unusual ways.

If you can forgive me the clarinet, what say you for a moniker for this magnificent orange Carassius auratus auratus?


Catastrophe Waitress said...

Your fish are living in top notch conditions in there! All those bubbles!

Is the new fish the one that looks twice the size of the other fish? Obviously it's a girl, what with it being pink and everything.

My choice names are:

Olivia Newton John
Taylor Swift
Dolly Parton.


Kettle said...

Ooh I do love the bubbles (sometimes I worry that I love them more than the fish).

And fabulous name suggestions. I suspect Marx and Dolly could be the twenty-first century's fish-related answer to Marilyn and Arthur. Very classy, Ms W, very classy indeed.

squib said...

the new fish is the one that doesn't look like Count Vronsky or Karl Marx

WHAT HAPPENED to poor Anna Karenina??!

Kettle said...

Squib she was becoming a little unstable so we moved her to the hospital tank. As soon as she's well again we'll move her back to the main tank (where the sunken train wreck ornament is). (Oh.)

squib said...

She's dead, isn't she?

Catastrophe Waitress said...

The new fish ate Anna Karenina, didn't she?

She didn't get that big on fish flakes alone.

Kettle said...

Heh heh. No, she's definitely still alive; not fighting fit, but capable of out-maneuvering a sloth, say.

If the new fish hasn't been eating small mammals he or she has definitely been into the protein shakes. How about those fins!

squib said...

Maybe the new fish should have sacrifical names? Like Gambit, Aztec, Corban... say, Jesus is quite catchy

Razzgirl said...

How about 'Jenny' (for Karl, of course)? Kinda refreshing with all those other heavies in the tank.

Kettle said...

This is seriously the best list of fish names ever; I have no freakin' idea how we're going to choose:

1. Olivia Newtrom Bomb (as she's referred to in our house (hey did I mention I'm going to a Wrong Prom in June? The theme is 'Grease' - chroist))
2. Dolly Parton
3. Gambit
4. Aztec
5. Corban (that's some whacky name, Squib. Did I tell you I found a 'squib' in Peter Carey's latest novel?)
6. Jesus

And probably my favourite at this point in time: Jenny von Westphalen (we'd have to use her full name, of course).

Are there any kiddies in your respective families with such magnificent names? If not, you should have more children immediately.

Ryvman said...

I like the name Beowulf for the new big goldfish. He dies but its glorious.

Kettle said...

Gold, Ryvman! Beowulf is perfect for this behemoth of a fish (as well as the bit about him inevitably dying...).

Beowulf it is. Sorted.

By the way, Squib: Anna met with the train yesterday. We're off to the pet shop this afternoon for another behemoth-sized fish. We're going to call this next one Jane Eyre (at least that ends well, sort of).

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

How many fish do you go through, Kettle?

Kettle said...

Despite what you might think Ramon, I think my fish are fully sick, man (that is awesome, not actually sick, which they usually aren't, it's just that Engels came out of a tank at the pet shop that had a floater in the top and I didn't notice until he was already in the bag and it's just not right to say, after a fish has been bagged, "You know what, I no longer fancy that fish; that fish now displeases me. Remove it from my bag immediately, egad," I don't know, it somehow seems rude to the fish, so we took him home and he died a day or two later so frankly I don't hold myself responsible; and the only other fish that (who) has left us is Anna Karenina and that was always going to happen, right?).

So we've now had six fish and only two have died so we have a 60% success rate, which is pretty good.

[Me thinks she doth protest, and etc...]

squib said...

I feel a bit cut up about Anna, Kettle


Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Never mind about Anna, Engels is dead!

How could you let this happen, Kettle?

Kettle said...

Me too, Squib. She was a lovely fish. We put her back in the big tank for the last couple of days so she could enjoy a final swim around in the bubbles and plants.

And Ramon I suspect Engels was poisoned! Some kind of slow-release fish-based poison that kicks in one to two days after any Engels-esque fish are purchased and taken from their respective pet stores (which are, I see now, just clever fronts for the Anti-German Communist League (Aust.)).

Fish: more complicated and high maintenance than the Brady Bunch.

squib said...

I thought Engels died of throat cancer

It's all very alarming at any rate

Kettle said...

Squib if Engels died of throat cancer he must have been a pack-a-day smoker in the pet shop because I swear I did nothing to him! He arrived (clearly, I can see now, with late-stage cancer of the aerodigestive tract); he swum around twice and died (essentially).

I can't help but notice a distinct lack of concern for my piscisian grief, Squib. Humph.

Kettle said...

Or piscean grief; I think I like 'piscisian' better but.

squib said...

hmmmm is it grief or...


Kettle said...

Equally, Squib, I can't help noticing a distinct lack of concern for my piscisian guilt.

Some religions are entirely focused on guilt; so if I was a religion would you take my fish-based guilt/grief more seriously?

Let me answer that for you (save a little time, a few key strokes): no.

Ok, fair enough.