Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Squib and Kettle's Latest (And Possibly Greatest) Business Idea

If you flip through The Financial Review of a morning no doubt you're familiar with the story of Squib's and my meteoric rise through the ranks of Australia's, nay the world's, business community.

Taking the SOHO (small office home office) scene by storm in late 2008 we've been steadily building momentum with sales across our unique product ranges, from our doomed children's books to our carnation-coloured tents.

At the cutting edge of Sciuridae HR reform, Squib is a leader in the Squirrel-crafted hair button field, and enjoys broad support from the Association of Artisan Squirrels. My recent work in the home-based/backyard holiday sector has dramatically reduced Australia's carbon footprint and, some drunken idiots suggest, has initiated the reversal of the global warming process.

After this giddy catalogue of successes, where could we possibly go from here, you may well ask?*

The answer is clear: postcards.

Recently titillated by a nice bit of leg in a 'Hat Head New South Wales' postcard we have realised the time is right for a postcard boom of mammoth proportions.

And due to the Elephantine size of our aspirations we don't want to dick around with postcards for every little town with a giant prawn or over-sized sheep. No: our great postcard innovation is to design a range of cards centred around the globe's principal oceans and smaller seas. It seems so obvious, doesn't it? That way we can kill thousands of kilometres of coastal towns with one postcard-stone, so to speak.**

Take, for example, this early Pacific Ocean prototype, suitable for sale right along the 1,338.3 km between Bega and Tweed Heads:


Apart from the obvious profit-making potential of such a versatile postcard, imagine the sense of community and connection it will spread from one end of coastal New South Wales to the other.

But the genius doesn't stop with principal oceans and smaller seas of the globe; how about postcards of water and marine animals of any kind, like this delightful example, suitable for sale anywhere there may be, or may once have been, water and/or a dolphin:


Simply take off the reference to Australia and this little puppy has global appeal, don't you think?

So when you're voting for joint Australians of the year, don't forget Squib and me: keeping Australia's economy afloat, we are.***

****

* Or not, if you have a lick of sense.
** Chroist sorry. I couldn't sound the mixed metaphor/crap line alarm in time.
*** It's possible Squib was harmed in the writing of this post.
**** There will be a prize if you can list all the cliches and wallyisms here. That's right: a prize!

9 comments:

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Why not a series of postcards featuring famous cuts of meat, such as "Bacon, NSW" or "Steak Sanga, Vic."

squib said...

Sciuridae sounds like a disease of the spine

This brainchild of mine is just marvellous, Kettle!

I like Ramon's meat idea, also. We could have famous eggs as well

And for Outback Australia we could have just one postcard featuring a rock of some sort

Kettle said...

Ramon we would like to offer you the position of Creative Director (Butchery Division). While this highly sought after position is unpaid we can promise you extensive public glory. What do you say?

Squib, did you have anyone in mind to head up the Egg division?

Just quietly, I think your brainchild is going to make us rich, Squib. Rich I say!

Mad Cat Lady said...

I think there could be a niche market in the minuta of life too. For the mad collectors who are trying to acquire fridge magnets with every town they have ever visited on.

We could have a picture of the thong-clad feet of an entire bush town and come up with amusing thong related little headings since many of my overseas friends think of thongs as underwear instead of shoes.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

A very tempting offer Kettle, but I prefer to work in the shadows.

the projectivist said...

i'd be quite happy if you'd consider me for managing your retail vision.

i'm fantastic with customers (when you get me on a good day)

Kettle said...

Ms P, I just assumed you were already in the building; haven't we been playing hilarious games every morning in the office on our 1980s-style intercoms?

Kettle said...

Ramon, I guess that means I'm going to have to cross 'John Faulkner' off my list of possible real-life identities for you.

Kettle said...

Ah MCL, I've had mental images of minute 'thongs' and hairy man-bottoms all day.

I can no longer tell what's led me to the bottle of white tonight: the modern world generally, or the mental image of the minute thongs and the hairy man-bottoms, *shudder*.