Saturday, December 20, 2008

Deck the halls... with gilded bon bons

You always know that Christmas day is getting really close when you crack your first bon bon for the season.

Bon bons are like the big guns of the whole Christmas shin-dig thingo, and their appearance at table-based festivities means the serious Christmas shenanigans are about to begin.

By law, bon bons cannot be cracked before December 18; pulling out a box of bon bons for a Christmas party on December 2 would be like Napoleon sending in his archers before war has been declared. It's just not right.

In fact, you can tell how close we are to Christmas day by the frequency of bon bon pullage and the quality of said bon bons.

Yesterday (the 19th) I pulled a bon bon that was modestly sized with an inch-high plastic ship (not sea worthy) for a prize. It was pretty much just a toilet roll with some newspaper wrapped around it with some gold stuff stuck on. And the joke? It was a joke entirely suitable to a December 19 bon bon: what clothing does a house wear? Address! Awwww haw haw haw.

The December 19 bon bon is one that comes in a pack of 30 that's been stored on the lower shelves at the $2 shop. It's the little flag bearer that rides out before the army: pretty innocuous in itself but signalling big things to come.

The December 22 bon bons are a slightly different story. It's getting more serious by December 22 because The Day is nearly here, but while December 22 gatherings are Significant, they're not the Big Christmas Cheese itself.

So the December 22 bon bon cracks delightfully and appropriately with the friendliest tug from your neighbour, the little plastic ship is almost sea worthy (with room for Tinkerbell or a very small Oompaloompah), and the word-play of the joke is a tiny step above that of the December 19 joke: what shakes and sits at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

The December 22 bon bon is the foot soldier of the bon bon world: hard-working and fearless but not the glittering leader.

The bon bons that come out on Christmas day are often worthy of immediate pre-posthumous memorialisation. They are gigantic, threaded with gold leaf and most often studded with diamonds. They are worth more than the average black market kidney and are delivered by guards in armoured vans just moments before the bon bonage begins.

When you crack one of these babies open it's like Kerry Packer has left the front door to his house wide open and his safes unlocked. The paper hat is so well constructed you could wear it to the cricket, and the prize wouldn't look out of place on a chain around your neck. And the joke? Why did Phil fall off his bike? Because he was a goldfish!

Ok, so no matter what the date or the price, the jokes don't get any better, and hurrah for that!


squib said...

Every year we send out a bulk Christmas letter from our dog (he can speak 32 languages and he's very gifted etc). This year I decided it would be wonderful if he had his photo taken with a cracker (to me a bonbon is a boiled sweet). 'Here come on boy, grab the cracker.' I waved it in front of him and he just looked bored

So I concealed a doggie treat in the cracker and his acting improved after that

words, wine, coffee, art said...

Kettle, this is very funny! With your edgy sense of humour you could hire yourself out to write the jokes for the top end bon bons. The Packers et al of this world would surely pay well for such cleverness.
We are off to yet another Christmas party/lunch. Will have to check out the quality of the bon bons! -now that I have been alerted to the varying degrees of quality.

Alpha Whale said...

On the contrary, the Phil joke was numerous times funnier than the previous. I don't call them bon-bons either due to candy confusion: Christmas Cracker suits me well; but call them as you will for you got the point across.

Another four and a half star out of four and a half star post Kettle. Keep it up :D

Anonymous said...

Those diamond encrusted bonbons are getting harder and harder to pull apart. Seemingly the bonbon price tag is comparative to construction strength as well as joke superiority. As none of the fam has been in training, perhaps this year we can form teams and engage in numerous rounds of tug-a-war. Hmmm.. not quite the Christmas spirit... but it could be a welcomed distraction.

Nice work Kettle

The Dangerous Kettle said...

Hi squib, does your puppy have a website and/or agent? I'll keep an eye out for his work :)

So, Words and Wine, what was the verdict on the Christmas party bon bons? Can you pawn the prize and retire to the Caymans or will you work another day?

Alpha Whale and squib, apologies for the cracker/bon bon confusion. I grew up on wholemeal bread and dried fruit so encountered the Christmas 'bon bon' well before the candied variety.

Hey Anon, I agree; I find I need to wear special gloves to pull apart the diamond-encrusted bon bons these days. I don't want to hurt my caviar hand :)