Wednesday, May 4, 2011

How's about those southern states?

I've just returned from a couple of days in Melbourne and am happy to report that Melbourne is a way much betterer city than Sydney. Here's why:

1. In Sydney I see at least four people a day picking their noses in their cars. Far as I know car windows are still transparent, people.

In contrast, I didn't see a single person picking his or her nose in Melbourne (not even at the conference I was at; not a one).

2. In Sydney I get caught in traffic jams all the time; in Melbourne, not once (sure I didn't have a car in Melbourne, and sure I walked most places, but I didn't hear anyone complaining about traffic jams on the 112 to Gertrude Street last night).

[2.1. In Melbourne they have a street called Gertrude Street. Awes.]

3. In Sydney people are still wearing short-shorts even though summer is well over. In Melbourne they spit on short-shorts.

4. In Sydney they have signs like this on escalators in Westfields:


In Melbourne they don't have Crocs (I'm not even sure they have Westfields?).


The only things Melbourne doesn't have are: Mr Kettle, my son, my dear friends, my lovely family, Campos Coffee, my PO Box, my favourite bookstore in Newtown, my awesome babysitting-swapping neighbours, our swimming teacher, our long established gainful employment, and my dear, irreplaceable pal Meredith. All I need to do is convince them all to move south; shouldn't be too hard, eh?

12 comments:

Noonie Trousers and Then Some said...

Awwww. I am very touched. I am pretty certain though, that you could find a replacement for me in any locked ward of your local psychiatric unit.

Kettle said...

Yes, now you mention it, yes I could.

Alex said...

I'd like propose an hypothesis stating that point 1 is actually a symptom of point 2. That is, the longer people have to sit in traffic jams, the more likely they are to start picking their nose. Or conversely, the longer you spend in traffic jams, the more likely you are to observe people picking their nose. Fix the traffic issue and you effectively kill two birds with one stone.

Kettle said...

With such a sensible approach, Alex, it's a shame you didn't run for the NSW parliament six weeks ago.

Now we're stuck with a Liberal leader, loads of traffic congestion, plenty of nose-pickers and too many birds. Sometimes it sucks to live in NSW.

Alex said...

Given what I'll be choosing from at the next election, I can't see myself doing too many cartwheels about being a Queenslander, either.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

And the new myki public transport ticketing system we have down here rocks!!

There.

I said it.

Kettle said...

Ramon you say that like you expect to get paid out for liking it, but surely not? A well run and efficient transport ticketing system is in my list of Top Five Most Satisfying Things Of All Time (as it surely is in any right-thinking person's list (as in correct, not politically right leaning, heavens)).

Also, Melbourne has Southern Cross Station which is awesomely nineteenth century. Oh to have an office nearby and be able to witness such track-based glory every working day.

Given what I'll be choosing from at the next election, I can't see myself doing too many cartwheels about being a Queenslander, either.

That's why you need to run at the next Qld election, Alex; institute some compulsory cartwheeling/anti traffic congestion and nose picking policies. With a platform like that you'd surely get some media time; all helps on polling day.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Also, Melbourne has Southern Cross Station which is awesomely nineteenth century.

I think you mean Flinders Street Station, Kettle.

Southern Cross was only built a couple of years ago.

Kettle said...

No, definitely Southern Cross, Ramon. I just mean it has some nineteenth century-esque elements, like that cavernous ceiling, the sets of tracks stretching out to the left and the right, and the grimey black shit that covers everything (diesel- instead of coal-based).

I don't think I've actually been inside Flinders Street Station; too many hoodlums on the front steps, and wasn't someone shot there once? I have been to Lord of the Fries out the front, but.

squib said...

Oh Melbourne, you think you're sooooo good

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Ah, get what you mean now, Kettle.

Southern Cross Station is indeed a wonderful station - The Boy loves it everytime we go there.

And the station bar sells pints of delicious, frosty-cold Coopers Ale

Kettle said...

Oh Melbourne, you think you're sooooo good

Squib I'm happy to spruik any city (except Wagga) provided someone pays for my flights and accommodation there too.

And now that Indigo has closed there's one less reason to visit WA, *sob*.

And the station bar sells pints of delicious, frosty-cold Coopers Ale

How could I miss the station bar, Ramon? That's very unlike me. I guess this means I'll need to plan another trip.