Sunday, March 27, 2011

Bloody vouchers

When I woke up this morning I had a wad of pre-paid movie vouchers that I need to use by Thursday.

No worries, right? Right. So off I went to some megaplex or other to see The Adjustment Bureau. I found it a very enjoyable film, but that's not entirely surprising considering I'm quite partial to anything bureau-related. And who doesn't love a love story? And also, Emily Blunt is well hot.

So The Adjustment Bureau was a good pick and my wad of vouchers has reduced to six. All good. So now I only have six vouchers to use before Thursday.

Should be easy, yes?

Should it shit.

The problem is that now I've seen The Adjustment Bureau, what else is there to see? I've run some calculations and am sorry to report that at least 87% of the movies out at the moment are shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Which bodes poorly for my wad of vouchers.

So please, will you help? Will you look into your good and generous hearts and advise me how to get rid of my vouchers? Here's what's on at the moment:

Rango: Johnny, Johnny, Johnny; what have you done?

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never (3D): This boy makes me want to vomit into my handkerchief.

127 Hours: An uplifting tale about a chappy hacking off his arm with a teaspoon (if I understand correctly).

Gnomeo and Juliet: Animated? At least visually, if nothing else. Shakespeare's play with a happy ending, and gnomes.

Conviction: Hilary Swank's character's brother goes to jail for something or other. She does something or other to get him out.

No Strings Attached: Natalie Portman pretends to find Ashton Kutcher attractive. I forget how it ends.

Fast and Furious 5: Five? They've made five of these abominations?

So shit, I don't know. What do you think?


Anonymous said...

Goodness, that's lousy. Normally, I like bad movies, but these aren't even the good kind of bad. Not a sci-fi, sword & sorcery or dodgy monster flick to be seen.

I've heard "Conviction" is exceptionally dreary and unengaging, if that helps.

Can you scalp the vouchers?

Kettle said...

Normally I like bad movies too, Alex, so I briefly entertained the idea of seeing the Justin Bieber one. But after a moment I came to my senses and remembered he's completely bad-bad and not at all good-bad (and he really does make me want to throw small pointy objects at him).

Maybe I'll just see The Adjustment Bureau another six times. That could be the least painful option.

Anonymous said...

I'm not entirely certain who Justin Bieber is or what he does, but somehow, I'm instinctively aware of how shit a movie about him would be and how reasonable it is to want to hit him with something pointed.

It occurs to me that with six vouchers and seven movies, your real decision here is in working out which one you want to see least.

Maybe you could write a scathing series of film reviews or something.

squib said...

Do you know 6 people with birthdays before Thursday?

Kettle said...

Dear Alex, while I'm loathe to disturb the Bieber-free state of your life, I think it's important to share the horror that is Master Bieber with sound-minded people the world over. Check out the fringe in the pic here.

A series of scathing reviews is a fine idea.

Squibsy, offloading the vouchers as birthday presents before Thursday is also a fine idea. Say... would you like one as an early pressie for next year?

[This might just work!]

The Elephant's Child said...

Perhaps you could suggest that the Bieber film could be viewed as an easier option that bulimia? Same result, less effort.

squib said...

That's very kind, Kettle but I'd hate to deprive your other friends

Noonie Trousers and Then Some said...

Get yourself some Bieber fever baby! Dress up like a prepubescent school girl and scream incessantly whilst throwing your undergarments at the screen. Go has been at least a week since I have seen you throw your undies at something.

Kettle said...

Dear TEC, dear Noonie, I thought I was evil but you two are true masters! The Bieber film as a bulimia aid! Flinging your underpants around just because! I have much to learn from you two; much to learn indeed (which makes you my newest heroes).

Ah Squib, if only there wasn't a continent between us, I'd make you come to the Bieber film with me for a special. Imagine how inspiring it would be; you could write a poem about bulimia, I could write a ranty blog post about boys with stupid fringes... The possibilities are simply endless.

Anonymous said...

Happily, Kettle, that link seems to be broken.

I also like Noonie's idea, but you might want to leave that one 'til last. The picture house might not let you back in for a while.

squib said...

I would do anything for a jumbo packet of salt and vinegar crisps

eat my shorts said...

Get stoned and watch either: Fast & Furious 5 or Gnomeo & Juliet (or both).

Get drunk and watch: Justin Beiber (haha, just kidding, no kidding about the kidding) or Rango (for serious) (or both).

And that's all I got. I support Alex's idea of scathing reviews. I'd pay to read those (not really, I don't pay for much these days, I'm pretty tight). That is the only thing you can redeem from this experience. Take it, run with it, enjoy it and if you can make a drinking game out of it, all the better. Go forth, Squib. Do it for all of us.

Kettle said...

Heavens, Alex! We can't have a broken link. Here's the full URL:

Nyeh nyeh nyeh.

I would do anything for a jumbo packet of salt and vinegar crisps

Squib that's just all kinds of crazy. Does it really have to be salt and vinegar? I don't think I could even bring myself to buy them.

Ooh EMS! Challenge accepted.

Only thing is, what if I watch all these movies in various altered states and have nothing scathing to say about them? What if I love them? WHAT THEN!

squib said...

It's not like I'm going to share them. I'm going to stick the whole packet in my mouth during the previews and then I'm going to filch your popcorn. Say, you could just use the vouchers to watch the previews and then leave

Anonymous said...

Isn't it almost Thursday, now? Are you going to have time to see any of them? And, can you make sure that all future links to Bieber related material are broken, as well, please?

Catastrophe Waitress said...

It's Thursday.
Did you take The Mini Squib to see Gnomeo?
Eat a double chocolate cherry Choc-Top while you're at it.

Mad Cat Lady said...

I was taken to see No Strings Attached by somebody with a free ticket.

It was okay.

Favourite bit was Ashton's character making a period mix tape. The idea rather caught my imagination.

Bleeding Love
Sunday bloody sunday
Lady in Red
Only women bleed