Monday, December 7, 2009

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We apologise for this break in transmission.

It has been brought to our attention that Ms Kettle's household clutter has reached dangerous levels. In order to ensure the ongoing safety and well being of her nearest and dearest she has been instructed to get rid of some of her crap, or at least put some of it away (for God's sake).

It has been reported that as little as a 10% reduction in her clutter will increase the lifespan of her fellow inhabitants by five to eight years.

Please forward any suggestions regarding the treatment of surplus books and novelty moustaches to the comments section below.

Thank you for your co-operation.

The Crap Police

PS, we understand that any instructing, implied or otherwise, mentioned in this post is entirely the product of Ms Kettle's internal Doris Day (the surly Doris). Mr Kettle and Little Kettle couldn't be reached for comment (presumed buried under magnetic travel games and spherical jigsaw puzzles).


Mad Cat Lady said...

Sell excess on ebay. Give away as christmas presents under them thar charity trees in shopping centres. Send to the starving children in Africa.

squib said...

Cordon it off with the explanation that it's an archaeological site

Cee Cee said...

It's actually OK to throw stuff out! It really is! I do have some difficulty with this myself, but I'm getting better. It just takes a little practice. You'll get the hang of it in no time!

Kettle said...

Excellent ideas, MCL, thank you. There are some books that I'm getting rid of, though, that I'm pretty sure no-one would want, from Mt Druitt to Timbuktu; you know the ones with really lame marginalia?

And cordoning is a brilliant idea, Squib. Only problem is it will mean the only places we can visit are the bathroom and the laundry (which are free of my clutter for the sole reason that there aren't any flat surfaces for me to clutter up).

And Cee Cee, I like your enthusiasm but I'm dreadfully afraid of throwing things out. I've thrown things out in the past and DEEPLY REGRETTED IT. Oh the wonderful things I've jettisoned only to find a perfect need for them a decade later. Such a shame not to have them anymore, don't you think?

Mad Cat Lady said...

hey - people have sold second hand socks on ebay - ya never know what people will buy.

Kettle said...

Really? Second-hand socks? Any kind in particular? (I can feel a small business idea coming on.)

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Do you have a shed, Kettle?

Sheds are ideal for storing crap.

Until the shed gets full of crap, of course.

Kettle said...

No Ramon, unfortunately I haven't got a shed, just two windswept balconies which aren't half as useful I'm afraid.

Have I mentioned I fantasise about warehouses? One day I dream of owning (or leasing) a warehouse; I'll have a clipboard, and a parrot on my shoulder, and I'll lick my pencil when I tick inventory off.

Or do you reckon I could do that in a shed? Might be cheaper.

Senji said...

Try the charity bin, my sista

Kettle said...

Ah Senj, you're like the good bartender fairy sitting on my left shoulder.