Wednesday, September 23, 2009

How to survive a dust storm

So there are dust storms all over NSW today, as you may have seen reported in some of Australia's finest news outlets. Because this kind of thing shits me (the melodramatic reportage, both from media outlets and the population generally) I thought I'd put together a brief 'how to' on surviving the dust storm who-ha.

1.Watch out for people who show you pictures, thus:

then say: "Seriously, it really looked like that."

They are stupid and don't understand that, provided your white balance is right and your shutter speed ok, a photograph can be a realistic representation of the external world.

The best thing to do in this situation is avoid all people holding cameras or phones with cameras or indeed any device with a screen. Just to be safe you might like to avoid all people with hands that could hold such devices or gesture to such screens, as well as those with mouths that look capable of forming the first 's' in "seriously".

2. Or, if you can't escape having images of the orange sky thrust before you, make sure you don't look at cropped images like this:

Ask to see the full image, thus:

If this is the Armageddon I want to at least have one last look at a hot guy.

3. When you hear soundbites from people across NSW using the word 'Armageddon' to describe the orange sky, throw something disrespectful at the tv or radio, like a tampon* or a used tissue.

Or, for those of a more verbal persuasion, when they say "When I looked out the window this morning, oh my! It was just like the Armageddon," you say "When I looked out the window this morning it looked like what I imagine the Armageddon to look like, because of course I haven't actually experienced any Armageddons myself."

Ach, don't listen to me. I'm just sore that I don't own a dust removal company; this could have been my lucky day.

* I've got nought against tampons per se, power to them; I just suspect it would be disrespectful to throw one at someone. Similarly lolly wrappers or cotton buds as well as shoes and boom mikes.


squib said...

Oh my God, like seriously, the Antichrist wears blue Y-fronts

the projectivist said...

i have been telling my children that it is just The MotherShip blocking out the sun, and the dust kicked up by said-MotherShip that is causing all of this crazy weather.

i like that MrsSquib used the word 'Y-fronts'
it's kind of dirty, like when your headmistress used to say 'bugger'.

squib said...

Today, I've been likened to a headmistress and a giant squid


Kettle said...

It appears so, Squib, which is fabulous, don't you think? It almost makes me want to be a believer.

Ms P, I think one of the greatest things about being a parent is that you can fashion the world how you would like it. MotherShip responsible for climate change? You bet! Let's swap wacky scientific theories so our children can benefit from twice the wacky logic.

Kettle said...

PS Squib, headmistresses who say 'bugger' and giant squids are both highly respected in my community so I assume your sniff is an "I'm so happy I could cry" sniff?

squib said...

My *sniff* (and I only have one) is a subtle mix of indignation, self-pity, megalomania... and there is also a dash of quinine in there somewhere

Kettle said...

Oh no, Squib! My "It appears so" was about your fabulous Antichrist in blue Y-fronts call, not about you being a giant squid! And I'm sorry about my cheese straws bit, I was being very silly. Sorry. I like that your *sniff* has quinine built-in :)

Kettle said...

PS by 'quinine' I mean the anti-inflammatory and pain-relieving properties, not the bitter taste! Oh no, I'm just getting worse and worse...

Can I offer you a cup of tea? I promise I'll stop typing now.

squib said...

Goodness, now I'm sorry. I wasn't seriously offended. AT ALL!

My *sniff* was purely for melodramtic effect

I get called much MUCH worse things at the dinner table. It's razor sharp in my house

Kettle said...

That's good news, Squib. You're still welcome to stay for a cup of tea though.

On the other hand, how sad that no-one is offended by me; people mostly shake their heads and say "chroist that was lame". I wish I was more offensive; then I reckon Oscar Wilde would want to be my friend**.


** Assuming he had been brought back to life by a poet-loving scientist in some kind of genetics/cryogenic/Jurassic Park lab.

squib said...

Assuming he had been brought back to life by a poet-loving scientist in some kind of genetics/cryogenic/Jurassic Park lab.

Just what sort of tea are you drinking?

Kettle said...

Squib it's the choice of tea over red wine that's worrying me more.

Also that the Johnny Cash movie is on telly tonight and I don't seem to be able to turn it off.


Miles McClagan said...

How exciting! It's like Armageddon!

Aerosmith do the theme song and Bruce Willis is acting badly?

(Oh you, hitting these films at the height of their popularity!)

Kettle said...

Miles I'd be willing to put up with Bruce Willis and a growling asteroid (because asteroids growl, apparently) if I had my own theme song. There's not much I wouldn't put up with for my own theme song.