Showing posts with label ninjas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ninjas. Show all posts

Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Very Hungry Global Economic Crisis*


In the light of the golden arches from the Maccas across the road, a little house with a sub-prime mortgage sat in the middle of its block.

One Sunday morning the warm sun came up and - pop! - went the US property market. Out of the rubble came a tiny and very hungry economic crisis.

It started to look for some food.

On Monday it ate through one bundle of securitised loans. But it was still hungry.

On Tuesday it ate through one half of the middle management of a mid-tier bank, but it was still hungry.

On Wednesday it ate through the rest of the middle management of the mid-tier bank then ate all the other levels of the bank, but it was still hungry.

On Thursday it ate through one Merrill and one Lynch, but it was still hungry.

On Friday it ate through one emerging market economy, but it was still hungry.

On Saturday it ate through one nest egg, one framing business, one aid program, one maternity leave provision, one camping trip, one Laura's Hot Bake and one nice new pair of Connies (Chuck Taylor All Star Multi Eyelets). That night it had a stomachache!

The next day was Sunday again. The caterpillar ate through one nice greenback, and after that it felt much better.

Now it wasn't hungry any more - and it wasn't a little economic crisis any more. It was a big, fat global economic crisis!

It built a house, called corporate law, around itself. It stayed inside for more than two weeks. Then it nibbled a hole in an amended subclause of a subsection, pushed its way out and...

Boarded a private jet and winged it to the Caymans where it's now lying about in a banana chair drinking pina coladas and barking commands at the help.

* Apologies to Mr Carle and his very lovely caterpillar.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Top savings tips


Watching the global financial system slide into bankruptcy has, frankly, given me the irrits. What the crap were they thinking?

So it all started with some bright sparks who thought it would be a good idea to lend money to people who had more chance of winning lotto (modest odds of one in 55 mill) than making the repayments. Remember that acronym that was being thrown around at the start of this whole mess, NINJA? Stands for No Income, No Job (and) No Assets. Heck darn, sounds to me like a pretty reasonable set of borrowing criteria. And you know what's even worse? The phrase was coined by HCL Finance AS A NAME FOR ONE OF THEIR PRODUCTS.

Anyhoo, since we're all going to spend the next five years watching a lot of tv (as part of the growing unemployed) and selling our organs to fund the increasing cost of living, I thought I'd share this list of helpful tips for cash-strapped times:

1. If you're a wine drinker, switch from bottled to cask wine. If you already drink cask wine, have a good hard look at your self then get that cask flowing again.

2. Don't throw anything out, you never know when you'll need it (or it'll be fashionable) again. As one survivor of the Great Depression said: "I don't ever want to throw anything away. My old coats, dresses and pant suits hang in the closet". Happily, pant suits are in again this year.

3. Cross your legs until you get to work; get your employer to pay for the toilet paper.

4. Don't have too many children. Most families during the Great Depression seemed to have had at least nine kids, which is obviously too many and they suffered proportionately for it. If you have kids already, consider selling them. If you don't, consider having some in order to sell.

5. Encourage all your friends to become Jehova's witnesses; save on birthday presents.

6. Steal things off the visually impaired.

As you can see, the slope from monetary bankruptcy to moral bankruptcy has a steep gradient. For something lighter, tomorrow let's do 'Capitalism to Communism: Is There a Better Way?'