More piratical un-funniness

As a conscientious objector to hype, I can't write about the new Nicole Kidman / Hugh Jackman mega-flick 'Australia' (although it is just CRYING OUT for a significant crap-stirring) so instead I'm happily revisiting one of my favourite foot-in-mouth topics: pirates.

You may remember my previous assessment of piratical activities around the globe which quickly descended from a shivery-me-timbers silly fest into a sad realisation that pirating is an awfully serious problem. But in the style of a kettle with amnesia and my foot unceremoniously shoved in my mouth here I am again, stomping around in issues I have no understanding of but which really do sound like 'Happy Gilmore' meets 'The Perfect Storm'.

So the Somali pirates have struck again off the coast of Kenya! This time their bounty is a Saudi supertanker, the size of a US aircraft carrier. Knowing nothing about ships I can't tell you if a US aircraft carrier is the same size as, say, a Danish aircraft carrier, but if the spatial ratio for aircraft carriers is the same as the ratio between the US dollar and the Danish krone we're looking at a ratio of 1 US aircraft carrier to 5.8027865 Danish aircraft carriers, so the Danish ship is 5.8 times the size of the US ship but worth the same?

As I said, I'm no expert on ships so let's move on. The Somali pirates have commandeered a Saudi supertanker full of oil and are demanding a ransom for it. This is a rather sad story, involving hostages and disenfranchised Somalians, but I'm happy to report two positive outcomes from this sorry situation.

Firstly, the pirates have drawn high and glorious praise from the US Admiral Michael Mullen, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff: he said the pirates were "very good at what they do...Tactically, they are very good." Everyone likes positive feedback so I do hope the pirates have the opportunity to read the Admiral's comments.

And secondly I think this just might be my new wealth creation strategy! Just gotta find me a supertanker laden with oil... or 5.8 Danish aircraft carriers.

Just a castaway...

The answer to the question that's been burning a hole through your frontal lobe all day is no, there is no ocean-based floating object that can't be commodified and sold on the web.

Remember the good ol' message in a bottle? You know, that Sting sang so wistfully about as he sat (counting his piles of money) on his deserted (multi-million dollar) island (resort), staring out to sea (over his piles of money), thinking about loneliness (and that he should really invite Richard Branson over from his island for Sunday arvo drinks).

Ah yes, the missive of the lonely, the isolated and the prankster can now be purchased online from the Oceangram store. For the low price of US$19.95 (plus postage and handling) you can buy the 'Original Message in a Bottle', with its personalised scroll, cocktail umbrella and tiny handful of sand (authentic, yes?).

If a friend or loved one happens to be graduating, the Oceangram store has that covered too: just select the 'Graduation Message in a Bottle'. If you'd like to tell someone you're thinking about them, choose the 'I'm Thinking About You Message in a Bottle'.

My favourite of all is the 'Merry Christmas in a Christmas Bauble Message in a Bottle'. All. Bases. Covered.

There's so much wrong with this concept.

Firstly, messages in bottles NEED WATER, not postage and handling.

Secondly, no-one has ever sent a message in a bottle saying "Hi - stuck on island - desperate for food, water - dying slow death - by the way, congrats on your graduation".

Thirdly, the 'Merry Christmas in a Christmas Bauble Message in a Bottle' is a Christmas BAUBLE, not a bottle, so CANNOT STRICTLY BE.

On the other hand, who's got time to go to the beach and ferret around looking for skank-arse bottles half submerged in the sand? Ah commodification, you've come to the rescue again.