So very not cool

I have this rule not to acknowledge celebrities if I happen to bump into them.

I made this rule many years ago after a book signing with a very famous Australian writer. I waited in line, I thought about what I was going to say, I even tried my bit (witty! Erudite! Faultlessly worded!) on my fellow queue friends.

Then I got to the head of the queue and what I ended up saying was: "Yeah hi. I really like your stuff. It's ... um ... good."

Then my moment was over and I was left to begin despairing over the magnitude of my dim-witted-ness.

Since then I've steadfastly held to the rule that I only acknowledge celebrities if they acknowledge me first, and since none ever have I've been left to ignore all of Australia's celebrities completely unhindered.

When I walked past Tim Friedman on King Street in Newtown (looking marvellously rock and roll) I said nothing; when I saw Senator Faulkner at the Sydney Writers' Festival, nothing. Today, at my son's swimming lesson, when I noticed the instructor was a former Aussie TV great I SAID NOTHING!

Nothing to her, that is, but when we walked past the desk on the way out I said to the staff: "Oh my God, do you mind, can I ask? We just had a lesson with [insert name]; was that really [insert name]? Seriously? From TV? Oh my God I remember her! From TV! Yeah yeah! Oh man, cool. Well, ahem, see you next week."

I'm so very not cool.

More piratical un-funniness

As a conscientious objector to hype, I can't write about the new Nicole Kidman / Hugh Jackman mega-flick 'Australia' (although it is just CRYING OUT for a significant crap-stirring) so instead I'm happily revisiting one of my favourite foot-in-mouth topics: pirates.

You may remember my previous assessment of piratical activities around the globe which quickly descended from a shivery-me-timbers silly fest into a sad realisation that pirating is an awfully serious problem. But in the style of a kettle with amnesia and my foot unceremoniously shoved in my mouth here I am again, stomping around in issues I have no understanding of but which really do sound like 'Happy Gilmore' meets 'The Perfect Storm'.

So the Somali pirates have struck again off the coast of Kenya! This time their bounty is a Saudi supertanker, the size of a US aircraft carrier. Knowing nothing about ships I can't tell you if a US aircraft carrier is the same size as, say, a Danish aircraft carrier, but if the spatial ratio for aircraft carriers is the same as the ratio between the US dollar and the Danish krone we're looking at a ratio of 1 US aircraft carrier to 5.8027865 Danish aircraft carriers, so the Danish ship is 5.8 times the size of the US ship but worth the same?

As I said, I'm no expert on ships so let's move on. The Somali pirates have commandeered a Saudi supertanker full of oil and are demanding a ransom for it. This is a rather sad story, involving hostages and disenfranchised Somalians, but I'm happy to report two positive outcomes from this sorry situation.

Firstly, the pirates have drawn high and glorious praise from the US Admiral Michael Mullen, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff: he said the pirates were "very good at what they do...Tactically, they are very good." Everyone likes positive feedback so I do hope the pirates have the opportunity to read the Admiral's comments.

And secondly I think this just might be my new wealth creation strategy! Just gotta find me a supertanker laden with oil... or 5.8 Danish aircraft carriers.

Piratical unfunniness

So it's been a big week for 50 Somali pirates who captured a Ukrainian cargo ship carrying 33 tanks.

Several questions immediately spring to mind: pirates exist? I mean, seriously, outside 'Peter Pan'? Pirates (since they appear to exist) hang out in gangs of 50? What's the correct collective noun for a group of pirates? Band, gaggle, pride, sleuth? Why so many pirates? And can you really fit 33 tanks into a cargo ship? Wow, that's roomy.

In attempting to answer these questions, dear reader, I've realised that I've stumbled spout first into what is actually a rather serious situation, involving (in no order, and completely without my understanding of who or what does or has these things) a collapsed state, the Horn of Africa and ransoms.

So leaving the analysis of modern piratics to more learned kettles, let's move on to something more banal (but possibly not less controversial): cereal for dinner: a travesty of a meal or a vital part of any Friday night?