Saturday, February 5, 2011

It's Too. Bloody. Hot.

Today is day seven of a bit of a heat wave here in Sydney. It's a record or something; most days in a row over 30 degrees since sometime or other. Fascinating really, or more accurately, not.

All I know is that standing absolutely still in your kitchen at six o'clock in the morning in a bikini you bought years ago (inside swimmers = always bad) and sweating means it's going to be a bad day, record-breaking or not.

So here's a few suggestions for what the hot weather can go do with itself:

  1. Chill the fuck out (sorry, best to get the bad puns out of the way early, don't you think?).

  2. Um.

Ok so that's all I've got, which is slightly disappointing but not all that surprising given how bloody hot it is.

So let's do another list. How about: Annoying Things The Heat Has Made Me Do:

  1. Stick to the couch.

  2. Wonder anew whether there is a god, and if so, whether he or she is completely sadistic, because how else would you explain the beginning of my annual beer-free period coinciding with the onset of a heat wave?

  3. Wish I lived in Hobart, with a very reasonable (albeit boring) maximum today of 21 degrees.

On the plus side, this heat wave has led me to uncover one piece of meteorological hilarity. The SMH weather page has a current conditions section which very usefully lists the temperature right now (40.8 degrees), but then perhaps less usefully continues by listing the 'Feels like' temperature, which apparently at the moment is 42.4 degrees.

Actually it feels more like 43 degrees but whatever. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go stand in front of the fan in my vintage swimmers and sweat a bit more.

30 comments:

Alex said...

Since I looked at Mad Cat Lady's blog the other day, I've decided to come have a look at yours, too. Hope you don't mind. Anyway, here's my two cents:

1) "my annual beer-free period". What?

2) If you throw a sheet over your lounge, you won't stick to it. And you can wash the sheet when it starts to smell.

2b) I've lived in very dry places where 40° was not unusual. But I detest sticky, humid heat.

Kettle said...

Alex hello! Nice to see you over here.

My annual beer-free period ended this afternoon, I'm happy to report, after a record nine days (nine whole days! Extraordinary).

The sheet/lounge idea is brilliant - cheers; I might put one on my banana chair too (then I'll be able to charge entry to my house so people can come see my Christo exhibits).

Oh and 40 degrees should always be unusual. Humid or dry it's too much to bear. Too much, I say. A person who finds him or herself in regular 40 degree temperatures should move to Hobart immediately.

Mad Cat Lady said...

It amazed me when I lived in Sydney that it was always hotter there at Christmas than it is here. And whilst it is tricky getting to sleep here without fans at present, I prefer it to your heatwave.

I am going to try out the damp sheet thing this evening if the power isn't on yet. The evaporation is supposed to be cooling. They used to do that in the old hospital for patients before they had airconditioning.

Kettle said...

Hey Maddie I might take a wet sheet to the Laneway Festival today.

On the plus side, the maximum today is 32 degrees and it's 32 now so at least it's not going to get any hotter than this.

Right? Right?

Hey Maddie, so your power's not on yet? That sucks.

Alex said...

I remember, when I was a kid, the whole family used to sleep on the verandah during summer. Might wanna give that a try, if you've got one.

Kettle said...

We have a balcony rather than a verandah, but also lots of mozzies. How does one overcome mozzies? I mean really?

Alex said...

Well, all the places we lived in had fly-screens, so usually we only had to worry about midges and earwigs. Of course, you could also use a net.

Catastrophe Waitress said...

Oh silly Mme Kettle!

Take some heat aversion advice from my parents.

When I was 8 years old and the unbelievably hot Sydney nights were too uncomfortable to sleep through, my parents would smother us in mosquito repellent spray and let us lay on a blanket on the sloping front lawn.

All that mosquito repellent they drenched us in did almost no harm whatsoever. I can now nearly look at those blue cans without gagging and the tic in my right eye hardly effects my vision at all!

Kettle said...

Well, all the places we lived in had fly-screens, so usually we only had to worry about midges and earwigs. Of course, you could also use a net.

All very practical ideas, Alex, but I swear all the mozzies around here have a. been involved in science experiments with radioactive material and thus b. now have opposable thumbs and evil intents. They laugh at our fly screens and spit on our insect repellent. Happily Mr Kettle seems to be a magnet for them so the smallest Kettle and myself remain relatively unscathed. But poor Mr Kettle; calamine lotion does nothing, nothing I tell you.

All that mosquito repellent they drenched us in did almost no harm whatsoever. I can now nearly look at those blue cans without gagging and the tic in my right eye hardly effects my vision at all!

Ha ha, Ms CW! How long did your parents leave you out there each time? Where you allowed to come inside, or did you have to stay out there? What if you needed to go to the toilet? And lastly, where was DOCS in all this!

Ampersand Duck said...

If you have a tripody washing hanger, you can drape a wet sheet over it, follow through with a mozzie net, point the fan at it and have an indoor camping party. With or without beers.

When I'm not drinking I quaff very cold tonic water... feels like there's gin in it, and every bar stocks it. Might hinder the mozzies too, or at least help with the malaria risk.

Kettle said...

An indoor camping party with a fan and beer! A fine idea, Duck. I specialise in the beer part already so it shouldn't be too much of a stretch to add a wet sheet and some netting into an evening's entertainment.

Thanks for the tonic water-mozzie repellent connection, I hadn't heard that before. Apparently bats work too; imagine, bats!

Some say that one small, brown bat can catch 600 mosquitoes per hour. Build or buy yourself a bat house.

I'm not sure how seriously to take that as the same website suggested 'bouncing fabric sheets' as a repellent:

Hang a fabric softner sheet from your belt or pocket.

O...kay. I might stick with the tonic water.

squib said...

Actually we went to Hobart and it was 40 C and Tasmania was hugely on fire and we spent the day in the sub zero room at the Antarctic Adventure centre

But then another time I went to Tassie I distinctly remember turnips floating across the road

Kettle said...

Dear Squibsy, please don't take this the wrong way, but is there any chance you were drunk? Or had you been reading a lot of Nick Cave?

Either way, you'll definitely need to expand on the turnip comment.

On the plus side re: Hobart, they have an Antarctic Adventure Centre? Cool.

Alex said...

Thanks for the tonic water-mozzie repellent connection

Um, it's very possible that I'm stating the obvious here, but I think &Duck was making a joke about the fact that tonic water contains quinine, which is an antimalarial (It won't stop you getting bitten, though).

And I also want to hear about floating turnips.

Kettle said...

Ah, apologies. I was rolling anti-repellent and anti-malarial together. If I add enough gin to my tonic water I probably won't mind still getting bitten, or anything really.

And I also want to hear about floating turnips.

Alex wants to hear about the turnips too, Squib. Out with the turnip story!

squib said...

It's not very exciting. I went to Tasmania and it rained a lot. It rained some more and then it really, really rained and I saw turnips floating across the road. Also, there was a house full of knitted gnomes...

Alex said...

Also, there was a house full of knitted gnomes...

Yeah, people get all kinds of pests invading their homes during floods. Still better than rats or snakes, I'd imagine.

anti-repellent

Sounds useful.

Catastrophe Waitress said...

Hehe! Can you imagine your neighbours doing that nowadays? It was the olden days when kids stayed out to play Abba And Battlestar Galactica all day long, and wondered home just as the sun was sinking.


I'm pretty sure my parents sat out on the lawn too, most of the time, or kept an eagle eye on us from the living room window. We would always wake, magically transported to our beds at some stage of the night.

Kettle said...

anti-repellent

Sounds useful.


Deary me, you can tell I went to a music festival yesterday.

Anti-repellent: Sprayed in night clubs and Westfields; good for bringing people together.

Also, there was a house full of knitted gnomes...

Squib are you pulling bits from one of your novels?

We would always wake, magically transported to our beds at some stage of the night.

Nice.

squib said...

We visited a relative (by marriage because I'm not even slightly Tasmanian I'll have you know) and she had knitted hundreds of gnomes and her house was full of them. I kept hinting that I would really, really love to have one of those gnomes. Did she give me one? She did not!

The Elephant's Child said...

I found you via Ampersand Duck. And yes, after a slow start to the summer it is tooo bloody hot. My smaller portions mama used to put their pjs in the freezer for half an hour or so on stinking hot nights. And I have been tempted to do the same. Perhaps all of my clothes. Cold and damp is infinitely better than hot and damp.

Kettle said...

Cold and damp is infinitely better than hot and damp.

Yes yes, EC! And cold-and-dry and hot-and-dry are both infinitely better than damp anything.

Squib I think it's better that you departed your crazy relative's house (by marriage) without a knitted gnome; you don't want to be beholden in any way to a crazy relative (by marriage) from Tasmania.

[Also, your birthday present next year is sorted.]

squib said...

You can knit? Really??

Kettle said...

No no, Squib! Heavens no! I just figure I've got almost a year to find a knitted gnome; should be enough time, right?

squib said...

I was nearly in awe of you then, Kettle. nearly

I've never seen one since Tasmania

Kettle said...

Squib with your craft know-how I'm betting you could whip up a gnome in a flash. Look! Here's a pattern.

eat my shorts said...

But then another time I went to Tassie I distinctly remember turnips floating across the road

That sounds about right.

On the plus side re: Hobart, they have an Antarctic Adventure Centre? Cool

Not anymore. It didn't make any money. So now they sell smoked salmon there. Which is so much better if you ask me.

(by marriage because I'm not even slightly Tasmanian I'll have you know)

That's probably why she didn't give you a gnome. Mainlanders have to pay for that sort of thing around these parts.

Catastrophe Waitress said...

I hate it when my favourites take AGES to post something new! Get to it, Madam!

words, wine, coffee, art said...

Yes, we miss you Kettle! You must be VERY BUSY.

squib said...

If you watch a kettle, it never boils