Thursday, August 27, 2009

Darwin rolls over in grave following gross trivialisation of life's work

When I was in year 10 I spent a week at the John Curtin School of Medical Research at the ANU. It was work experience, you see. I have no idea how I ended up there; I have a vague memory of not wanting to do hairdressing but I'm not sure how that made medical research the only other choice.

I suspect my week's placement may have had something to do with my childhood love of all things science and vet-related thanks to the triangle of happiness formed between Vicky from A Country Practice and Rob and Dean from The Curiosity Show but I really can't be sure and I don't want to lead any future biographers (especially of the psychoanalytic kind) astray with wild triangle-related speculations.

Whatever the origin, I'm pleased to say my early foray into science has served me well in the conundrum my wardrobe presented me with earlier today.

You see, this morning I pulled on a top I haven't worn since last year and found that the sleeves are now half-way up my forearms.

I understand, as a basic principle of biology, that carbon-based life forms experience periods of growth throughout their lives. I understand, also, that these growth spurts may be augmented by too-frequent trips to Portuguese chicken shops on Marrickville Road. But while these additions may increase my girth, are they also responsible for increasing my arm length?

The most plausible explanation I have come up with is that over winter I have experienced an accelerated, intra-seasonal evolutionary advancement. Sure it's improbable that such an advancement could occur over the course of three or four months, however it's not impossible thus I maintain that I am now a more highly evolved version of the me that I was in the late days of autumn.

You may be wondering what kind of evolutionary advantages my longer arms have delivered to me (you and Darwin alike), but clearly my new-found abilities to carry Ikea flat packs and lift suitcases atop my wardrobe make me a very desirable catch for, um, short-armed men everywhere. Go me.

What wacky scientific explanations have you been tossing around today?

6 comments:

squib said...

Before this sudden arm- specific growth spurt, Kettle, do you remember saying anything out of the ordinary such as 'Go-go-gadget arms'?

What wacky scientific explanations have you been tossing around today?

Not today, but on Rottnest Island, BigSquib (pre- broken ankle) observed that the white foamy stuff blowing across the salt lakes was salt

'Don't be absurd, BigSquib. Everyone knows salt forms a hard white crust. Those fluffy white things are some kind of algae. I've been to many salt lakes in my time blah blah blah'

*later in ambulance*

Me to ambulance driver/nurse: 'Those white fluffy things over there, what are they?'

Him:'That's saline from the lake, in other words, salt.'

Kettle said...

That's gold, Squib. And to think we're parents, passing on our pseudo 'science' to our unsuspecting progeny. If my son learns anything from me it will be not to learn anything from me!

You know, I often say "go-go-gadget legs" to get me up the 36 steps to our flat; I must have slipped up one day... leaving me in the terrible clothes-redundant situation I find myself in. On the plus side, my slip-up gave me the opportunity to demonstrate my pseudo science skills and teach my son, once again, never ever to learn anything from me!

squib said...

Just wanted to add that I have just been given the complete Cosmicomics with seven stories never before translated into English. Are you a bit jealous, Kettle?

Kettle said...

Complete Cosmicomics PLUS seven stories never published in English before? Man, that's cool. I am indeed jealous, and definitely moving in the wrong circle of friends/family/gift givers. You're welcome to lie and tell me it's an awful read; that will go some way to filling the void that has just opened in my life.

[Enjoy.]

PS word verification 'raulnest': I bet that's an imaginary planet in one of the seven stories.

the projectivist said...

well,
you could come and work with me -
long arms come in handy for reaching the tops of shelves.

or
you could be great at one of those manual car wash places. i never can reach the middle of the roof to give it a good scrub.

other than that, you might want to do a cool wash with your woollens.

Kettle said...

Ah Ms P I would love to come work with you. We would never get ANYTHING done.

On the other hand, if the whole boutique design shop thing gets a bit passe you've got a career in careers counselling just waiting for you.