Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Whoops! I forgot to put the safety on

I've been to the Opera House twice in the last few weeks (bringing my life's total to two visits). On both occasions the foyer was full of more bare shoulders and angular-cut skirts than my year 10 formal, but I felt perfectly at ease in my jeans (don't worry! They were my dress jeans! It's not like I went day casual).*

Anyhoo, so there was lots of quality time spent people-watching, friend catch-upping, and lining up at the bar for drinks and snack foods (like Toblerone? I'm still completely mystified why they'd sell Toblerone at the Opera House bar?), which was all lovely and fun but what I enjoyed most was the awesomely dangerous architecture.

Having grown up in a golden age of litigation, I most expect, when I head into the city on the train, say, to see at least 25 signs warning me not to cross the yellow line, not to prevent the doors from closing, not to crowd into an already crowded carriage, not to jog (or even walk quickly) down the escalator, not to wear shoes with loose shoelaces on the escalator, not to let anyone I'm travelling with who might have shoes with loose shoelaces and a penchant for jogging (or walking quickly) down escalators do so, and by crikey not to shriek and point when I see three-foot rats baring their teeth then gnawing on the rails that we're about to travel on!

So what a relief to visit the Opera House, sans safety signs, and find all sorts of delightfully dangerous architectural death-traps that are, no doubt, keeping the local council awake at night. Take, for example, this breezy external staircase that has thrown off the shackles of its railing:

Or this marvellous internal staircase litigiously connecting two thin 'platforms' on which drunk people congregate to partake further in the purchase and consumption of alcoholic beverages:

Surely leading to:

But I think the thing that made people most truly fearful was the 'click' sound my camera made when I took a photo in my toilet cubicle:

Ah, photos in toilets, now there's something to sue about.

* I haven't the faintest idea whether dress jeans actually exist, and thus clearly own none. I did indeed go day casual.


the projectivist said...

thank you for those helpful diagrams of the dangers of The Opera House.
i've not been there for years.
the last time i was there, was with a chap i met on a blind date. i spotted my ex boyfriend with a girl, came down with a migraine, and threw up all over myself on the way home.

oh yes, happy times.

squib said...

Oh my God, who knew you were so darn good at graphic design? Those stick people are very excellent, Kettle

The bog roll abacus is erm... interesting

Kettle said...

Oh no Ms P! What a story. I laughed, I cried, I felt like I was right there with you. And amongst all that how considerate were you to throw up all over yourself. I definitely think you emerge as hero :)

And Squib! Many thanks. It took me about 19 goes to get the first one to that stage (oh yes, and I'm still not happy with the mouth) but I think all the practise really paid off... not. Deary me, I really am monstrously underskilled in the drawing department.

I think the best thing about the 'bog roll abacus' is that it's now been called the 'bog roll abacus'. I've been finding all sorts of mystifying things in public toilets lately.

the projectivist said...

don't you think that last picture of the toilet paper looks as though it were taken inside the cabin of a plane? looks sort of window-porthole-ish.

Miles McClagan said...

This is where you need the woman off the old UK show "Watchdog" to say in a squeaky Scottish accent "It's a potential death trap!"

Kettle said...

You're right, Ms P, it does look a bit porthole-ish. Perhaps it was left over from the new Star Trek film? It's definitely other-worldly. I'm still unclear as to whether there's any specific way of using three toilet rolls, individually and collectively. How would you approach such a situation?

You're right too, Miles! Maybe the "Watchdog" woman could accompany me around Sydney tourist sites: between my awesome diagrams and her delightful "it's a potential death trap!" I think we'd provide a very useful (and not at all annoying) service to local councils.