What ho! The answer was on page 13!

Searching for a job involves looking at more cheesy images than you can circle with a red pencil.

The job hunt has continued this week with applications here and interviews there. I have answered some probing questions (where do I see myself in five years time? In residence at the Lodge, either as Prime Minister or Head Gardener) and explained, in 100 words or less, exactly how I've used my effective verbal communication, consultation, and negotiation skills to communicate with officers at various levels, within and external to an organisation (I also found myself talking about Ruth Park's novel My Sister Sif in the same interview so I'm not sure how well it went, on reflection).

Having previously only read the first section of the newspaper in order to win the weekly news quiz*, I thought this week I'd actually read the job ads that fill the bottom half of every page; I thought perhaps I'd find the answer to What To Do there. Could one be the perfect job for me?

Page six, bottom left: Senior Lecturer/Associate Professor of Organic Chemistry. I could have a crack at that. The ad doesn't actually say you need a background in organic chemistry, just that they're seeking "an individual who will strengthen this environment and also contribute with vision and innovation". Nothing a bit of perfectly acceptable application-based exaggeration won't cover there.

Page ten, middle left: Federal Court judge. Great timing to be made redundant: the Attorney-General of Australia is currently seeking nominations and expressions of interest for appointment to the Federal Court in Sydney and Melbourne. I'll nominate you if you nominate me.

Page 13, bottom left: Director of the Government Media Unit in the Office of the Premier of Queensland Anna Bligh. I read the paper every day so I'm pretty sure I'm qualified for this one.

And then I see it, page 13, bottom right:

Seachange for Two
Energetic couple to manage immaculate retirement village, 34 days annual leave each year, magnificent gardens, salary + super + spacious self-contained accommodation.

If only I was 75 I'd be able to work from home.

The search continues...


* A high score in which is more a measure of how much time you've wasted during the week, as opposed to a confirmation of the ontological status of the quiz as a true competition. Also, there are no prizes.

The view from here

Being newly redundant, I've spent several days now puzzling over What To Do.

What with the worry about feeding and clothing myself and my associated loved ones, not to mention keeping myself in the confectionery style I have grown accustomed, I thought perhaps my kettle-ship was doomed, that I might *sob* never laugh again.

To remedy this situation I read the whole newspaper on the weekend thinking that surely I'd come across some silly buggers doing stupid things with bungy cords and elephants, but, cover to cover, I only laughed once. Once! And that was over this quote by someone called Vickers in an article about Prince William: "Extraordinary presence, tall and upright; if you put the requirements of a future king into a computer, that's what you'd hope to come up with." That sure beats the current method for selecting a monarch.

Anyhoo, so I decided that if anyone/thing had an answer for What To Do it would be The School of Life, and what ho did I find but this post on The School of Life's Alternative Job Centre.

Forget the whole employers-advertising-positions caper (that's so 2008), the Alternative Job Centre invites you to write an ad for the job of your dreams and let employers decide if they are able to offer it to you.

So here goes:

Hi, my name is Kettle and I am the kind of person who understands that money can be exchanged for goods and services. I care deeply about books and tea, which is possibly why I have so little money to exchange for goods and services.

My best personal qualities are that I know when to plunge the coffee and I always carry an umbrella. My special talent is that I can tell you, with a moment's notice, the percentage of books on my bookshelves I've read. I value libraries with ladders with wheels on them, and my ambition is to have such a library one day (or at least one of those ladders).

My special wish is to have a job where I can sit in this chair:



Please direct all offers of such work to this website.

Yours, etc,
K.

What is your dream job for the Alternative Job Centre?